Sunday, October 24, 2010

9. Five Tips to Survive a Horror Movie this Halloween

Any horror movie fan can tell you, there are certain things guaranteed to get you killed, and certain elements that separate the hero or lone survivor from all the blood-splatteringly gory deaths along the way. So, being a major horror fan, I thought I’d compile a little list of do’s and dont’s for Halloween, just incase an infectious virus turns your loved ones into zombies, or an estranged family member escapes from the mental asylum and comes after you with a machete.

1. Do NOT investigate the sound outside.

This should be a given, right? Well you’d think with years of unnecessary deaths after checking what that loud bang, or dark shadow, or twig snapping outside was, people in horror movies would have learnt it means death. But they haven’t. A classic mistake often made by the dumb hot chick or babysitter when she hears something other than her popcorn popping while settling down to watch a movie in her darkly lit mansion of a house (all the more rooms to chase her through.)
Halloween 2010 tip: Mansions, popcorn and scary movies on your own is just asking for suspicious creeky sounds to investigate. If you find yourself being chased by a crazed psychopath in a hockey mask this Halloween, take a page out of Shaun Riley’s book and hole up in your local pub with plenty of beer, a jukebox playing Queen and a shotgun. Go the Winchester.

2. Do NOT be the token funny guy.

A hard one to dodge, but crucial none-the-less. This one is really important to keep in mind on those group road-trips up to who-ever’s dad’s cabin for graduation weekend. This is your warning reader: while all the couples are in their rooms having sex and you’re left trying not to think about how lonely you are, do NOT compensate average looks for charming humour by planning to dress up as an axe-wielding maniac to scare your best mate while he’s spending “alone time” with his girlfriend. It will only end up one way: with the real axe-wielding maniac heading you off at the pass and claiming you as first victim.
Halloween 2010 tip: If you find yourself in this situation with the stark realisation that you’re the girlfriend-less funny guy, and there’s no chance of taking on the good looking and sensitive hero role anytime soon, try and refrain from any practical joking that could put you in harm’s way.

3. Do NOT show your breasts or have sex/lose your virginity.

There’s a theory that horror movies of the 1970’s and 80’s purposefully killed off any young character that had pre-marital sex to try and scare teenagers from popping their cherries with their classmates. I’m not sure how true this is, but what is definitely true is that while your best bet in a horror film is to prove yourself as the good looking sensitive hero by finding true love with the kind bookworm who is secretly a fox; if you have sex, you die. Simple. You’ve reached your climax (in more ways than one) and the movie no longer has use for you except an entertainingly gory death. This also goes for any easy girl who gets drunk and flashes her chest too early in the film. Sorry honey, if you’re even a little bit slutty, you die too.
Halloween 2010 tip: By all means let your romantic sub-plot run its course, just refrain from “going all the way” or popping that shirt off too quick. If you can, keep your nudity to a classy shower shot from the back (this much you can get away with.) This is another good tip to keep in mind for those group camping trips or weekends at dad’s cabin.

4. DO carry a weapon, but don’t waste your ammo on a rustle in the bushes nearby.

This is my biggest pet hate in any movie, let alone a horror when ammo is your most important commodity. Your body can go without food for over a week, without water for days, but if that escaped mental patient is coming at you with a machete, or a pack of zombies have you cornered, what the hell are you going to do if you’ve just emptied your clip on a rabbit that startled you when it jumped out of a nearby bush? Granted, most of the time characters just get over-confident once they finally get their hands on a gun and, when finding themselves staring at their enemy, just let fly in a rush of relief to finally kill the bastard and have the whole ordeal over. But we all know where that gets you: a few lucky body shots and he drops, and you run away for help without confirming the kill.
Halloween 2010 tip: If you’re lucky enough to come across a gun, aim for the head, and ALWAYS confirm the kill. Don’t be soft and try and spare his life just so he can get locked up again. You just know he’s going to escape in the sequel.

5. DO be prepared to kill a loved one if they fall behind/get infected/turn into a zombie.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m always the one shouting “No! You might find a cure!” (I learnt my lesson well from Steven King’s The Mist) but the hard truth is if there is a cure, it will always come too late. More importantly though, if you wait for it anyway, your loved one will slow you down and put you in a compromising position, or they’ll eventually turn into a zombie and eat the brains right out of your skull. Consider the brave hero (he’s easy to pick out because he’s the one making creative weapons from random objects on the ground.) He’s sensitive enough to pause, but realises what will happen if he doesn’t bite the bullet and shoot Mum in the head. Harsh, yes, but the simple fact of the matter is the brave hero always survives.
Halloween 2010 tip: Always shoot Mum in the head. She’s dead anyway.

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